FABULOUS

Padma is sooooo beautiful. I am going to photoshop my face onto her body. And then I am going to frame it and put it on my wall. So what if i am the only one that would believe it and see it, I am the only one that counts.

I mean, when I look in the mirror, this is the picture I see. So what if all my mirrors were bought at Disneyland, so what! I look the fairest of them all, just ask me.

Wow I got side tracked, sorry. Anyways, my girl Pads, looks GREAT! She is one hot cook (ie).

Nope its KIM KIM

Hey that wasn't Beyonce, it was Kimmie. Looking all Sasha Fierce and shit. Ok, I WANT THAT WIG...you know i love me some fake hair...love, love, love it. But she looks way more striking as a brunette. Lovely, my sister from another mister.

I really think I was adopted. I know I was meant to be a Kardashian, hello, I have her big butt (maybe mine is lower, but we both have cellulite). I know my real dad was Robert Kardashian, or else why would I like Law and Order so much? It seems so logical. I am the older sister! Come on, Kris and I have so much in common. We parent the same way, except I don't charge 20%.

BEYONCE

Someone is trying to be Beyonce....

OVER IT

Jeese, Jon and Kate plus Brats. Get a divorce already, this guy HATES his life. He is miserable. This isn't what he signed up for Kate, he already has a mother. Just get a divorce and move on. This is ridiculous.

Jon, you need some young ass...a vagina that has not fallen out. Get out there and get some young woo-hoo. And Kate, you need it up the butt with someone with a big weenie. Might I suggest Big Black from Rob & Big? He likes white girls and he seems funny. He likes kids. Maybe not all 8 at one time, but come on, there is obviously no chemistry with you two anymore.

Then TLC needs to have a new show JUST FOR JON showing how life is for a single father of 8. We can call it BABY MAMA DRAMA. Man, I am on a role here, with the show pitches. COME ONE EVERYONE!

Anyways, I will be buying this issue for research purposes only. ONLY.

MISS HER

Kristin from Laguna Beach showed up to Speidi's union of beings. She looks so HOT. I was ALWAYS TEAM KRISTIN....Man, I have all seasons on DVD, because she was my fave. I can still hear her saying STEPHEN...

Where has she been? She needs her own show. Come on BRAVO, MTV, someone, give this girl a show! I have great ideas, Ill pitch one right now...right now, come on, what, are you scared?

She is SOOOOO much better looking than anyone on The Hills....

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

So, SJP and Ferris are having twins...via a surrogate. That is Hollywood talk for I don't want to get fat, dahling. Twin girls. Interesting. I thought he was boneing someone else. He looks so dull. And boring. No wonder she used a surrogate, they probably dont do it anymore. Snoozeville. So non-Carrie. Carrie and Big LOVED to do it...all the time...they made make-up sex what it is today.

Awe... *tear* SATC is over...I miss Big.

OH GOD WHY

Ok, so I know I said I would not talk about these freaks anymore, but I have some things to say.

1. WHY did they get married? If the gays cant get married, then certainly these two clowns SHOULDN'T get married....YUCK, I hate them.

2. Who has a reception and only serves appetizers? Uh, CHEAP D LISTERS! I bet MTV gave them so much to foot the bill and that dumb Heidi used it on collagen for her lips and her wedding dress. Because the rest of that "so-called" reception sucked.

3. Why did LC go? I mean, she said she wouldn't, I bet MTV gave her a bonus to go. I think she should have continued the boycott.

4. Ok, so Speidi picked bird shit yellow as their bridesmaid colors, and that skank JADE wore it to the wedding. BRODY, you can do so much better than this hooker. I mean, everyone has already seen her woo-hoo. Come on!

5. Season 6 of The Hills will be without LC. So, sorry folks, you just lost a loyal viewer. No way am I interested in watching 30 minutes of these two idiots every week. NO WAY JOSE. Through the power of TiVo (they still haven't thanked me for the plugs I give them), I can FF through anything that pertains to these two nit wits.

6. The boycott of any commentating on there two twats is officially BACK ON!

BAD PLASTIC SURGERY ALERT

Holy baby Jesus in Bethlaham, WTF happened to Rupert Everette? And why does he looks like the chick from Splas, Daryl Hannah and Joan Rivers?????AND WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE circa Dirty Dancing? (Ok, maybe Ghost). God, he was handsome before and now he looks HORRIBLE, did he get a face transplant? Shit, instead of the boogeyman scary this generation, I am going to threaten my nieces with this guy....good lord, WHAT was he thinking????????

WTF?

What is wrong with Cassie? Why would you do this? Unless she thinks she is the new Brit Brit, and having a mental breakdown because your husband is a WOMANIZER and your mom basically used you for money, there is no reason for such a stupid hair do. Really, I wont buy your CD or even try and steal it off NAPSTER (that is so not the program I use).

GUILTY

This freak is GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Guilty of MURDER, BAD HAIR, and BAD TASTE. SEE YA! I hope he gets it in the butt. Take that PHIL SPECTOR (YOU FREAK).

FABULOUS

Drew Barrymore looks GREAT! She is so pretty! Love her.

New Show Alert

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!! The best of the sisters, and the ones I am BFF with, are getting thier own show...I am so excited! I really wish I was Lourtney and had Khloe as my sister...they have the best time...I am excited to see their own show that shows them opening a new DASH in Miami!

And side bar, last nights episode was great, but NEXT WEEKS, when they bust that little sissy SCOTT, man, I may have people OVER to watch that!

What the ?????????????

How the HELL did she fall asleep in the sun? I would just die if my face looked like that...DIE! I wouldnt leave the house... poor dummy!

PERSONAL POST

I just have a few things to get off my chest this morning:

1. I hate this guy next to me. he is a fucking nerd who is raising nerd kids. It is so sad. He says things like SON OF A GUN, and calls women GALS. I hate him. He is a pig who burps all day and I am so going to go postal and kick his little rat balls one day....I AM.

2. I hate Candy Spelling. She wrote a book (er, she paid someone to write a book) and she tells how she us selling her house since she doesn't have anyone that loves her....and how she doesn't see her grandchildren...and she doesn't know why...You know why you OLD BAT. Everyone that says they don't know, really knows. You are a psycho...and Tori has the good sense to not have her kids exposed to your shennaningans.

3. This guy next to me that I hate has a son that is in the band...and he says he is good for a sixth grader and could cut an album...Uh, no one wants to listen to kids play the theme from Titanic LOSER...

4. I am going to watch ER Finale and it better be good. And if I can pick up where I left off 6 seasons ago, then those writers suck.

5. I hate when people cough all fucking day. Take a cough drop, take some liquor or get the FUCK OUT...it is annoying and disgusting to hear flem (yes I know that it is spelled wrong) rattle around your throat all day, I don't work in a Convalescent Home you sick fuck.

6. I am running out of TV shows and getting paranoid...WTF people, work with me here.

7. I hate driving. I do. I need a chauffeur and a pimped out car to be driven around in. Its just a necessity.

8. This guy next to me is really pushing it...he just farted...I am calling it a day.

9. I hate Ryan Seacrest, the little pedophile. he is so hung up on Hannah Montana...she is on his show everyday, and I hardly EVER listen to that station...the sick bastard.

10. I hate this guy next to me, the smelly tuna eating cheese stick. God, he has a toothpick and everything, I bet he never showers. Just my luck! :(

Best Movie Ever

LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was hilarious! I love Paul Rudd, he is so adorable as a nerd. I highly recommend this...and you know I have high expectations. :)

Later Homey

Love you like a step brother, see you in one year and one day...then YOU can have whatever you like...

And that lady in front of you is scarrrryyyyyyy

The Hoff

OMG this fat cowboy is still around? I wonder if he was drunk in this picture...I think he was...he looks a little tipsy and I think I smell some Wild Turkey on his breath....I know it.

FUGLY

Oh god, some people should not wear bangs.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Dana Owens!

Losers

I am so fucking sick of these two freaks. God, for the love of MERCY, please quit thinking that we care if you are sucking eachother or not. NO ONE CARES...not since the last episode of Meet the barkers have we cared.

You are a tramp and he is a dumbass. You two have officially been placed on the NEVER POST ABOUT THEM AGAIN list...now you and those other losers SPEIDI can spend eternity on the dumbbell list.

Really, keep your herpes to yourself. LOSERS

And Shana, grow your hair back, or put on some extensions, that is a shitty hair style. And maybe consider a breast lift....

WHY???????????

What is wrong with this woman? I mean, I am all for saving the world, I am doing my part one TV show at a time, but this isn't about me. (who said that?) Why is she adopting all these 3rd world kids when there are plenty of fresh 1st world ones here in the States. I mean, I just don't get it. What about Lourdes, what is she teaching her? How to be a control freak biznatch? Poor little Lourdes. She needs a real mom that will let you cuss, watch TV, and eat bad foods. She needs me.

Anyways, I am so sick of her and Angelina and their quest for world domination. Keep this shit here, and save a damn life AQUI!

DIVORCE ALERT

A HA HA HA KARMA IS A BICTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cuntess will soon be COUNTLESS...He saw the light and dumped her ass for some Somalian woman. HELLLO, what did you think was going to happen you twat? He is on marriage #5, commitment isnt big on his list...and HELLO, he loved in another country, probably because you were so dumb. Who did you think he was sleeping with you TRANNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope he leaves you like the statue of liberty: alone and BROKE.

Except for Rosie, the lady is still raising your son, since you shipped your daughter off to boarding school....poor thing.

If you would have listened to me and worse some make up, got a stylist, and grew your hair out, he may have stayed until the kids were 18. And hello, arent you a dumbass for giving Bethanny DATING advice!!!!!!!!!! A HA HA HA

Kim

Pictures of my sister and soon to be brother in law.

And the feud goes on...

Ok, so, this weeks episode of NY Housewives was EXCELLENTE...I am talking like, Golden Globe Nominee good. I really really really HATE KELLY. That freak is on somethin, I know it. And I wish Bethanny would just punch her in her has been face. That stupid tramp really is DUMB on top of being an ignorant bitch. I personally would not have waited 30 minutes for her dried up vagina to show up...and I read in all the other blogs that she said she was late due to being a mom with 2 kids and how that it is so hard to get anywhere on time...Uh, bitch, I saw the episode and your pantiless/braless ass wasnt worried about no kids...you didnt even mention those kids when you were stuffing your tongue down your young meat dates mouth. PUTA!

And the CUNTESS, JJJJJJJEEEEEZZZZZE, I hate you alot but now I hate Kelly more and that is like a miracle. Maybe there is a Jesus....MAYBE.

And what is the deal with Ramona's wanna be tennis pro husband? Jeeze, Jill doesnt want to play with you, it isnt the Grand Slam or anything...oh grand slam, that reminds me of Dennys...sorry, side tracked...Ok, so what does this Pete Sampras wanna be thinking, get a friend, get a life...get some Botox from Ramona's head. I want Botox. I am sure I am just jealous of everyone, and just envious...wait I saw the Cuntess again NO WAY NOT JEALOUS!!!!!! That OGAR!

AWE!

Look, its old Jenny from the Block...without Skelator. I really miss when we would hang out at Puff's house...or when Ben bought us the Bentley and I would pump gas for her...or back in the day when She was a Fly Girl...Come Back JLO, leave that ugly El Cantante

WHAT Happened?

Damn, why does Daryl Hannah look like Patrick Swayze circa GHOST? WHo did this to her? Her, Joan Rivers and Mickey Rourke are all goimg to the same plastic surgeon and HE SUCKS...this bitch is scary.

New Ad

Doesnt Brit look fab? I think they sell Candies at KOHLS...not my store, but I will certainly buy something to support the BRIT cause!

PERSONAL POST

OMG I am so TIRED. Maybe because this is how I sleep...

PER

Just Because This is Funny

Ok, so this is a personal post...

My dog is a baby. By baby I mean, I literally treat my dog as a human baby. Toddler to be exact. He is three, going through that terrible two's stage, but he is a little slow, so he barely got to the terrible two stage.

Anyways, the dogs next door are all horney mutts. My dog pees on them on a daily basis. He may grow up to be R. Kelley. Yesterday I saw two of the dogs humping. Now my dog is curious about doggy sex. And my life partner thinks he should get laid.

UH HELLO, PIMP, he is just a baby! Come on guy, he cant do those things yet. This morning I sat down Jack, my son, and told him all about the birds and the bees, and STD's, teenage pregnancy, the whole talk. All about how bitches (literally) will just come and go and he should save himself the pain of a broken heart by only loving one woman in his life for eternity, ME.

He totally agreed with me. And now his UNCLE is acting like a PIMP and sending him doggy porn...help me America, what should I do?